Screenshot from Private Hottie, Private’s new sex simulator

Ever wonder what it’s like to fuck your favourite star? What would your ideal sex kitten look like? And what would you do to her? Private Hottie is your chance to bed your dream queen – it’s a simulator that allows you to customise your ideal woman, give her any breast size, hair colour and body type you want. You then pleasure her in 4 different fantasy environments. The better you do it, the harder she will cum!

I tried Private Hottie out myself in the “beach” and “temple” environments, and being a pornstar isn’t as easy as you might think. After playing in a variety of different modes (I even got to be a lesbian with a strap-on), I finally created my ideal woman which turned out to be a cross between Angel Dark and Eve Angel. I would have liked to have been able to give them tattoos in order to create Liliane Tiger for a hot threeway, but unfortunately the tattoo option isn’t available yet. Nevertheless, this was good fun, even though I had trouble getting my “juice meter” up high enough for the cumshot. I’ll work on my technique this weekend, you can count on that.

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This is one of those stories that breathe life into the old adage, the truth is stranger than fiction. The video above is from a Reuters report about a man in Japan who has spent 170,000 dollars over the last decade on sex dolls, at 6,000 dollars a pop. According to him he “just cannot love real women”. I guess these dolls are a decent substitute. Metal skeleton, moving joints, covered in silicone. And umm, no sassy backtalking. Anyway, this story reminded me of this Private movie:

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If you’re marooned at home this summer while all your buddies are basking in the sun in the Antilles, or if you just want to complete your Private catalogue, this is the thing for you. The Private shop has announced up to 60% off ALL DVDs, and there are more than 800 DVDs which are 60% off, including classics like Tatiana, Dangerous Things, 18 Birthday Presents and Mafia Princess. They have also discounted new releases and blockbusters like Ibiza Sex Party, Evil Geishas Hotel, Ibiza Fucking Island, Sex City, Sex Angels 2 and Porn Wars.

And, if you’re in the mood for epic porn action don’t forget the trilogies: like the Sex City Trilogy, the Porn Wars Trilogy and the massively popular Gladiator Trilogy – not to mention the tropical trilogies! I mean, if you don’t have the chance this summer to see scantily clad surf sluts traipsing around pristine Caribbean beaches, this is easily the next best thing. Or even better, because chances are you won’t end up in a giant orgy with insatiable pornstars. Or maybe you will … I’m just speaking for myself.

Introducing Rachel Evans

They say three times the charm, and Toni Ribas’ Sex Auditions 3 is no exception. The third part of his wildly popular casting series has just finished spinning in my DVD player and I tell you … well, you already know what I’m going to tell you, so why don’t I just get to the facts:

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Angel Dark and Toni Ribas, going to where no pornstar has gone before

Chances are you’ve done it, but never knew what to call it (no, not the picture above!). I mean the Doorway to Heaven, the Bermuda Triangle, the Brazilian Bedlock and the G Spot Jiggy. These are just a few of the many (actually 101) excellently-named sex positions on this page.

Unsurprisingly, the missionary is nowhere to be found. But, in all honesty, I predict a comeback for the poor old missionary. One day it will seem just as daring and exciting as the Boston Brute. I mean, if the Spice Girls are making a comeback, then we ought to give the missionary another chance! No?

(pic above is from Stars in Heat. I wouldn’t try it at home unless you’re a professional, and actually know what it’s called)